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II. The First and Second Meeting
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he stood sucking his thumb, hand on hip,
his other elbow resting on a friend
i noticed the line of his jaw, his watching eye
the multiplex curves and concaves of his form
the mellifluous whole chanting the open steppe,
some fierce horseman ravishing
the Bithynian genetrix generations before
- whence the line had mellowed, melded, ripened
into this almost perfect sun-warmed form
i asked him his name
'i am called antinous,' he said
his voice high and bright and still unbroken
broad chest thrust forward
kilt proudly swinging
his friend looked on and sniggered;
antinous frowned: he stopped,
calloused feet brushing the dust
looking from him to me, the snigger fading
my bodyguard rode up, both boys looked breathless
at the armour and the horses and the weapons
and the big tough men,
antinous' mouth half open, large and ripe;
already an aura flickered round his head
* * *
i forgot him; but later, not too later,
saw him again at exercise, after school,
glistening with oil and wonderfully naked,
chanting a Spartan warsong as he worked
my entourage was with me; I addressed him,
asking him where he had learnt that stirring song;
he smiled and bowed, 'my master taught me it,
it lifts the spirit and inspires the flesh'
- this in perfect Greek
'come to me later, teach me the words of the song'
i commanded, and he bowed again, quite unafraid
the courtiers spoke with him as i passed on,
trembling very slightly, and amazed
at my own perturbation -
what was this?
* * *
what was this?
what spoke to me thru him?
i had known and half loved many boys
and yet i felt when i saw him again,
as he taught me the words of that ancient hymn
(he enchanted at my trick of memory -
perfect memory is only a trick)
i felt...
"i fall, am made again, am made anew
in depth and height, in being and in spirit.
these valleys and these mountains dance,
the stream rolls on, clouds condense to rain
and scatter across the earth. i am cloud and stream
mountain and valley earth and sky -
i am all this and more, both him and me"
and i felt...
"the beams of his eyes have shattered two worlds
nothing but ruins nothing but ruins
the quiet pool of the mind is now stirred up
and the outward world is a mass of flame
myself am from myself far far away
the weak and feeble soul has left its cave
and wanders in the ways of earth and air"
people say my poetry's extreme, is precious
over-precious, lacking the Latin clarity.
the Senate laughed at my provincial accent
and now they say i am too much the Greek -
but this boy spoke as i did, understood
the purpose and the striving of my song
* * *
after our second meeting i wrote this
thinking of his Spartan rhythms
the tenor of his voice his eager eyes
staring at me as he mouthed the words
watching each others lips and teeth and tongues
"i have chosen you and nothing will suffice
but that i own and hold you as my own
but that you take the gift which i extend
but that the gift by him to whom it is given
is accepted in the spirit with which i gave -
not as a sign of amity
nor in worship of your perfect natural parts
but as a symbol
signifying that here
within your breast within my breast
the withdrawn and recalcitrant world of the senses
for but one moment cleared of eddying mists
revealed itself
and as in a mirror seen
surveyed what yet it might become
and recognized the goal to which it moved"
i wrote this, i the Emperor wrote this
to that young boy to that Bithynian boy
Antinous
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